Somedays you will feel better, somedays you will feel worse.

Today I broke down crying again — i’m so thankful for the mandatory mask rules these days so that no cab drivers can know (maybe they actually do and pretend not to know) that my tears are rolling down my cheeks. I knew this was going to happen when I decided to start opening myself up to my closed ones.

But the more I share, the more vulnerable I feel. I felt like a girl again, the girl who longed for some love and care and concern — and for someone to pat me on my shoulders when my pet goldfish die, or when I have a very bad bruise from running wild on the grass patch. It is daunting to be vulnerable, but it’s good to be reminded that I am actually human. and that it is okay to feel vulnerable.

My bid for the potential housing fell through today and my girlfriend asked “how do you feel?” I looked at her in the eye and said this:

honestly, i’ve stopped feeling most emotions these days.

how pathetic.

Today I learnt about the Takotsubo cardiomyopathy (broken-heart syndrome) — that your left valve in your heart weakened and expand when you experience a grief or stress or any sorts. which is probably how the term “heartaches” came about. I also learnt that your brain and heart sends neuron signals to each other — so that whatever you are feeling will be emphasized to each organ — or the heart-brain communication they coined.

I will go to bed now and tomorrow morning, I have a mission to tell myself 5 things to be thankful for. heart-brain communication