Current Mood: Coffee and possibly Calm
While reading Brené Brown Rising Strong — I came across this: that Heartbreak comes from the loss of love or the perceived loss of love.
Just last week, I contacted this ex of mine (it’s so funny to even label him as an ex) to ask for a couple of things back since Im moving out and i presumably thought he didn’t cook. His reaction or perhaps the over-reaction hurt me so much, in many different ways i didn’t expect. perhaps he was hurting too, by the fact that I took a step back and seemingly trying very hard to move on. you see, when you lay yourself bare and give someone else a piece of yourself — all your past and future plans, a part of you wish to be validated, that your past struggles made you who you are and that it is OK for you to learn to love and be vulnerable again. And in doing so, we built up steath expectations, the little time bombs we have inside us that we don’t even know we do (even if we sub-consciously tell ourselves there is no expectations). how many times have we felt excited about a trip, a dinner, a project before it actually happened? disappointments are like paper cuts, sometimes they are deep enough to leave you wounded.
And to recover — you need to own these stories, these emotions and these intense feelings even though if you want to run away. We can’t heal if we can’t grieve, and we can’t forgive if we can’t grieve.
If you ask me now — do I hate him? Yes i do, very much so — he’s toxic and everything I need to stay away from. Do I think he has ruined me in many ways? Yes, and for that i resent him, in a very strong way that i sometimes ended up hating myself for it. but you see — resentment is a strong feeling, even if you can walk away the feeling stays the feeling of resentment will come up each time you talk about it or him or just your experiences of a bad relationship. It locks you in a state of victimhood, and almost making you dependent on this very source of grief. But if you allow yourself to forgive, to forgive the actions and to believe that in every stage everyone is doing the very best they can (even if it means hurting you in the process) and to forgive yourself for all these negative thoughts, then you are no longer chained. To get there however, it is difficult — that’s why many chose to walk away, and to truly forgive you need to go through, pain, grief and most importantly, shame.
I truly hope in months to come — if someone ever ask me about him, I will no longer feel hatred, or maybe less, just much less that it became a part of healing process.
J
